In memory...

For whatever reason my brother Robbie has been on my mind quite a bit the last couple of days. Maybe it's because it is now spring break and school related items for the most part are being cleared out of my mind, so with more time I find myself thinking of him so much. There are moments I think of memories with him and my family and it brings such joy and other moments the reality of him being gone hits hard and I just regret lettng time go by for so long without seeing him and telling him I love him. I hope he knew that. But I can't regret, I can't change it. I think the hardest part is thinking of my sweet Sierra and Rob without their daddy. I don't think it is fair. God is certainly teaching me to trust Him in a way I never have before. It is easy to "trust" when there are things I can do to fix something....but wih this I can do nothing to fix this for my niece and nephew or all of my family for that matter. My only option is to trust God is in full control and to show up in their lives every chance I get and just be there for them, whatever that may look like. I know that moment will be a defining moment in their lives, but I don't want it to completely define them.

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation." 1 Peter 5:10


In days following his death when I prayed for my niece and nephew God put a picture on my heart of them both in God's house in worship, standing strong. I can only imagine the pain they are walking through, but I'm standing that God will bring the healing they need and I will see them grow strong in the Lord.

A scipture Chantel gave to me many times that week is still often in my mind:

"For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield." Psalm 5:12

And God cetrainly did in those first few days and continues to do so..along with the sadness and pain came peace, and that is building everyday as I'm confident that everything will work together for good, the enemy intends for destruction, but as God surrounds us like a shield it can be used for His glory.

Anyways I have said most of these things before and that isn't what I want this post to be about....I was looking through the few photos I have of my family, my mom made me an album several years ago and found some of us when we were little. I wish I had taken the time to capture more moments in recent years...just remembering life growing up with my four older brothers and wanted to share a few thoughts and pictures.

Robbie and I were 12 years apart, so all my memories of him were through the eyes of a sister who looked up to her older brother wth such admiration. He was loving and protecting. As I recall he was probably the only brother I didn't need to defend myself from! :) Robbie was my protector. I felt so safe with him around. I remember vividly when I was 4 or so I had to have surgery because of an anuerism I suffered, I was so scared. I remember waking up from surgery and just asking for my Robbie. He wasn't there at the time so I'm pretty sure my parents called him so I could talk to him. Robbie and my other brothers did later get there when I was recovering and Robbie came in and I was so relieved. I recall saying "My Robbie, my Robbie, my sweet sweet Robbie" I was so happy he was there...he made me feel safe. I miss him so much.

Being the youngest I always wanted to be around my brothers. I'm sure...no I know that got on their nerves, but they meant and still mean so much to me. I wanted to be apart of what they were...I wanted to be with their friends and be with them.

 If there is one thing my brother loved it was football and I'm pretty sure there were few other times in his life that he cherished as much as when he was in high school playing for the Round Rock Dragons. He loved it so much, he always always would talk about his friends and time on the team. With 4 older brothers, the Fall was all about football. So many memories of my family traveling together to watch my brothers play. I was only 5 or so when Robbie was playing in high school, but Friday nights were all about the Dragons and watching him do what he loved so much. I'd fall asleep in the stadium, but would wake up after to go wait for him down at the locker rooms, I'd wait for my chance to tell him he played a great game...he would just smile and give me a hug. It was one of the very few things I remember ALL of my family doing together. I miss Friday Nights @ Dragon Stadium. My brother was so full of life on the field.

Robbie moved out of the house by the time I was 7 or so I'm pretty sure to go to college. I loved when he would come home and visit. He always made time just for me. He always made me feel like I was so special to him. I hate it right now cause I'm having a hard time remembering alot of specifics of growing up...maybe thats because he did move out when I was so young. But those significant moments are so vivid...I don't think anyone knows how much I miss him. I know especially in the last few years with things changing I was pretty distant from my family, but it never changed my love for them. And losing him stings all the same cause I still want him here with me just like I wanted him with me when I woke up from surgery. I miss my Robbie. I just know he was an amazing brother. When I think of him I think of his big smile and his laugh. No matter what, anytime I saw him he's tell me he loved me, remind me how proud he was of me and tell me how he knew I had so much ahead of me. I miss him. I miss times like we had at family reunions growing up, all the kids just being together and enjoying time as family. I miss family...I know he loved me and I know he knew I loved him....I can't live in regret.

My freshman year of high school my three oldest brothers had their first kids. So in the matter of one summer I had 2 nephews and one niece. Robbie's daughter came 1st, in May 2001. My sweet Sierra Jade came and captivated my brother in way like nothing ever had before.If you saw how he looked at her, there was such a deep profound love. He was an INCREDIBLE father...if nothing else his kids knew how much he loved them. And especially in the last couple of years it seems as though his kids were the only thing he lived for, it was the one thing (besides Longhorn football!!) that would light up his face and he could talk about for hours. Times when the kids weren't with him he'd call and talk to Sierra on the phone until she fell asleep and talk to Little Rob and "watch" a football game with him on the phone. The kids couldn't wait to spend the weekends with their daddy. They were his world and he was a huge huge part of theirs. Weekend trips, late nights, holidays, he did anything to make them happy and would go anywhere to make sure he was there with them. It breaks my heart to think of the moments he is missing and that they have to learn to live life without him.

This past Christmas was so hard, just weeks after losing him and seeing a certain emptiness in the kids. You should hear them talk about their daddy...he was their hero and I hope they hold onto those memories. My prayer is that the kids remember those intimate and special moments with their dad, remember the words of love and encouragement he spoke over them. He believed they could and would do anything they wanted...I know he would want them to never doubt that even for a moment. I'd give anything to fix it....but my other prayer is that they know their Heavenly Father loves and adores them. He cries with them but will carry them through every moment. Sierra Jade Esco and Robert Clifton Esco IV were and will always be my brother's greatest joy.

         It's still strange to me that it is now just me and my 3 older brothers...that at all of our future family gatherings that he will not be there. I found myself even at his memorial when someone asked where my brothers were I pointed each one of them out and caught myself just before I tried to include Robbie in that as if he were just in another room or something. I miss you terribly Rob. I love you I love you. I wish I had more pics of our family then and now...wish I could remember more things from growing up right now. Just know he was an incredible brother...he is and will always be greatly greatly missed. And just for Robbie I wanted to include this one other picture cause if you knew my brother you know he loved his kids more than anything and he loved Longhorn Football...so here is one of his favoite pics from 05 after they won the National Championship! Hook 'em!!