“Sometimes the
bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up”
If you
have been around me for more than 10 minutes you’ve probably heard some
variation of the following from my mouth, “I really don’t feel like I know what
I am doing most of the time….I just show up and do what I am told!” Usually
people just laugh in response, but it is desperately true. Sometimes the only
thing I do right in a day is that I showed up. So when I read that above quote
in the book I’ve been reading by Brene Brown, it made me smile and helped me
breathe a bit deeper.
The book, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown,
talks a lot about this kind of thing. It talks about being vulnerable,
authentic, honest, and how shame keeps us from being these things and how it
hinders our ability to connect with others. I had many moments where I read a lot of
myself in her words and found comfort in remembering I’m not alone in those
feelings. There is too much in the book for me to share because I cannot cover
it in the way it deserves to be understood. But what I can share is how these
concepts play out, in my own life, specifically this past week.
Looking back on the week, part of
me feels ridiculous for how I reacted in some moments, but it is the honesty of
where I am at. I was reminded of a few things:
1) God is always in control
despite what my thoughts or emotions may otherwise tell me.
2) I have a ton of
amazing friends who love me (not despite of) because of who I am emotions and
all.
3) I hate failure. I hate not knowing. I hate feeling out of control. Essentially unless I am guaranteed
success there is more of me that wants to run because I’m terrified of failing.
So what happened this week? I was
on call for our agency for the very first time. That means if there is a crisis
in the community that requires a clinician for any reason, I am it! It puts me
in a position to have to respond at any time to anything. I cannot anticipate
what will happen and have to be ready to address whatever comes up. That may
sound exciting to some and maybe soon it will to me as well, but last week it
looked like a lot of opportunity to fail if I didn’t do things perfectly like I
wanted to. There are particular
circumstances that had potential to happen that would require me to walk
through a process I was very unfamiliar with and would not understand until I
did it. But I don’t like doing something unless I know I can do it right and
well. Ok maybe I want to do it perfect. That is unreasonable, no one expects me
to do it perfect the first time (Ok so I expect me to!!). That kind of
expectation I put on myself puts me at a great risk of failure (because
anything less than perfection in my mind was failure). Well I messed up, I didn’t
do it right at every step and I felt completely overwhelmed.
Enter shame. “I
can’t do this” “Who thought I should be trusted to handle this?” “I have no
idea what to do...”…it all translates in my heart to I am not enough…not enough
to do my job which somehow easily translates in my mind to I’m not enough for
much of anything.
I let the enemy have free reign
(never a good idea!) and I was emotionally and physically exhausted and if not
showing up was an option I would have gladly taken it. I know you might read this
and think “What’s the big deal?” For me the big deal is that I too often link
my worth and value with my performance or my ability to perfectly do everything
I think I’m supposed to. So when this week I was confronted with so many
opportunities to not be perfect it became an internal attack on who I am as a
person. I let shame consume too much. In
her book, Brene said, “Shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can do
& be more”. In the moments of what I felt were failure, I let shame corrode
a lot of me.
But failure or in my case mistakes
through this learning process should not define who we are. God is continually
trying to teach me this lesson; I am trying to let Him teach me. I was so
thankful for my friends who prayed with me and for me, who reminded me that God
is the one that is still in control and who equips me in it all. I was thankful
for co-workers who took the time to offer help. And for a supervisor who was
not thrown off by any of my emotional reactions, but walked with me through the
process and taught me and did not let me back off from doing what I needed even
if “success” was not a guarantee.
For me it is still scary to admit
that I do not know or to be willing to attempt to do something that I may fail
at a few times. It terrifies me actually. I want to say that I am at the place
where I can extend the same understanding to myself that I extend to others or
that others extend to me, but I’m not there just quite yet. I think I’m farther
along than I was a year or month ago or even last week before all of this. God
is teaching me and will continue to teach me. What is hard is that to learn
this it likely means more opportunities to “fail” are on the way. But I don’t want
shame to keep me from learning. I don’t want it to make me hide behind my fears
and miss out on opportunities. I don’t want to disconnect with others because
of my imperfections and fear of rejection because of them. I have to be willing to share all of me. A
last quote from the same book says it quite well, “Because true belonging only
happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense
of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” To say I’m
a work in progress is an understatement, but I was reminded this week that God
is never surprised, it is ok to fail and I have many in my life that love me
regardless of “how I perform”.
I know God will keep stretching me and teaching
me these things…I am not guaranteed constant success or a lack of difficulty,
but regardless of how I feel I can show up every time…and sometimes taking the
risk to show up is the bravest thing I can do!
