Unlike ever before

I haven't blogged in quit sometime...that's ok though, few people read it so it truy is more just a chronical of my thoughts and a outlet for things around me. I haven't posted here, but I certainly have not stopped my writing. Quiet time with just my bible and journal have been so important in the last month or so....honestly not as often as I know I need...yet God is still pursuing me and I want everyday to let Him restore, heal and use me. I've never so despised my tears. I'm tired of the way that the emotion nd tears just flood. The slightest thing triggers a memory that moves me to tears. And in this season though I have a few select people standing with me I have never felt so alone.

I've always told people I couldn't imagine losing someone and could not imagine they way I'd walk through it when I faced the death of someone I love. I never imagined it would be that day and certainly didn't think it would be him. It's not fair and in moments the pain is joined with anger. I'm learning to trust God, some days I do this better than others. It's not fair though. I still believe what the enemy wants to use to destroy God can use for His glory...I have to have to hold to that otherwise it's far too much.

It's crazy how one moment can change everything...there is a song by Mat Kearney that says "I guess we are all just a phone call from our knees." I've never experienced that before, but I understand now how true it is....things change in a instant and a moment is forever frozen in time. I was at Nancy's when I got that phone call...I had gone over to pick up my computer and was in the kitchen talking to her and heard my phone ring...it was December 6th at 3:00 on the dot....I remember looking a my phone and thiking it was strange that Rachel was calling me, it isnt often I talk to her on the phone..I remember staring at the phone for a moment before I answered. When I did it was obvious things were not ok....she could barely speak through the tears and told me she has terrible news and to sit. I yelled at her and told her to just tell me...my oldest brother..my Robbie was dead. Pain and disbelief flled me....he had been found that morning. He was gone. I sat there and cried in a way like I never had. I thought of how the rest of my family would take the news...I hated that it had been months since I last saw Robbie...I still do. Going over to my parents house and seeing m parents in the bathroom sobbing...trying to hold it together for them. Holding my dad as he cried.

Things were a whirlwind for the next few days. How could he really be gone...now when our family gets together it will only be my 3 older brothers...I wished I could tell him one more time that I love him...I can only trust he knew it. The viewing and memorial was a blur...the pain came in waves. I'm grateful for those who were with me esp in those first few days and those very few who would just let me talk to them, not try to offer the right words..but just let me talk and stay with me there or stay on the phone as I cried. I do remember the relief of having those who came to be with me at the memorial...all my wonderful friends from Chi Alpha...and am still so thankful that God knew exacty what would happen and that I'd need some specific people to be there with me.  The day my brother died Pastor Kem and Chris were driving into Austin for a short visit. I was able to meet with them the following evening, I needed that..I needed that kind of family around me. And the day of Robbie's memorial Pastor Kem and Susan drove in early that morning from Dallas to be with me. I felt like I needed to hold things together and be the strong one for my family, be the strong face of our family..when Pastor Kem and Susan got there and Susan came and hugged me I lost it...she reminded me over and over that God knew.. He knew I needed them there, it wasn't coincidence that they the very week this happened they had flown down from Alaska for Chris' graduation and were able to be there with me, God knew...

It has been a very long 6 weeks since we lost Robbie and most days it's still the first thing I think of and the last thing before I go to sleep...the hardest part for me is not how much I miss him it is watching my sweet Sierra and Rob adjust to life without their daddy. Their daddy was their whole world and how do you explain this kind of loss to them..how do they understand...that is what seems most unfair to me. That now all they have are ther memories, that he wont be there for all those significant life moments. I see the pain and hurt and wish I could take it from them. I dont want them to grow with the sting of this pain.  It isnt fair. No one can ever replace him for them, I want to do all I can to be a safe place for them and cover them as they grow up...I want to see them know their heavenly Father and let Him bring healing and to watch them walk in the great plans God has. I cant just let life go by for them. God they deserve SO much more than that, what I wouldnt give to take it from them, to shield them from this incredible pain. When I think of the day my sweet Sierra gets married and that her daddy cant be there it hurts...God I trust You...I don't understandin the slightest but I trust You...please cover them. I see the hurt in them every time I pick them up, please God be a shield.

I dont know...I've so enjoyed my time with them in the last weeks...I wish it hadnt taken this to get me to appreciate it....I took for granted my family will always be here, but they wont. It had been almost 6 months since I had seen Robbie, I took him for granted..I dont want to ever to that again, with anyone. And despite the current issues my family faces his past Christmas was one of the best I've had in years. It was hard and we missed Robbie deeply, but I took time to just enjoy them and I loved it.

God is still drawing me to Him...some days I respond better than others but I know that He wants to do that in this time. With things going on in the lives of other people and change in other relationships it has been very lonely..I just want to respond well and let God use what the enemy meant for destruction to be used for His glory unlike ever before. It's the only way it can be worth it; even though I don't understand.