When to let it go?

I have real difficulty letting go of things...trying to find balance.

At what point do I stop trying to pursue a relationship that has been grossly one-sided? I'm not angry anymore....hurt? Yea it still hurts. I'm not even sure if hurt is what best describes it all though...there is a longing. The problem though is that the longing is for what was and it is for a person that at this point in time just doesn't exist. It's for the person I knew...I miss her still. There is part of me that has an expectation (hope maybe?) that one day it will suddenly return to the way things were...before things changed. I don't understand what that change was!! How does someone go from hands down the closest person in my life...the person I was most vulnerable with, the person I trusted more than anyone I ever have. And now our relationship has become the infrequent and self initiated text because I don't want her to think I don't care...cause I do...but I've learned I can't be there or be involved in a person's life anymore than they will allow. I haven't seen her in months and no more than a few word text exchange to account for either. I'm ok...I know I'm loved by many in my life, but there is still that longing for the relationship I feel like is lost and wonder if I'll ever have the chance to have that again with her. Or if we will just live separate lives as polite observers. I can't just stop caring about her...or her family...since I was 18 they were my family....and somehow I've lost them. I refuse to let the enemy convince me of anything. But at times, even now it elicits a strong response. I don't understand. It's out of my control....I can't make anyone change and certainly can't make them care. As much as I'd like to, I can't. Have I mentioned God is teaching me a lot??

Though she does not define me and know I will walk forward strong regardless of circumstances, that family greatly shaped me into who I am...all I know to do is to walk forward and focus on what God is preparing ahead and be obedient in anything He asks of me...its only a few days till Alaska...I'm ready to go, serve, grow, and invest. And hopefully gain a fresh perspective on everything that has happened.

All that is ahead..

"¹³ I am still confident of this:
       I will see the goodness of the LORD
       in the land of the living.
 ¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
       be strong and take heart
       and wait for the LORD." Ps 27:13-14

        I love this scripture...all of Psalm 27 was so powerful to me the other morning. One part states that even when an army comes against me that can be confident...hidden in Him. This last year has reminded how vital it is to be hidden here. We can never be assured of what a season will hold and at times on every side if I lived by what I saw and what I felt, I would have chosen to give up a long time ago I think. i have my moments where I choose to trust God "better" than others, but if I could verbalize what He is teaching me in this season..it is to simply outlast my emotions. To trust in what He promises me despite how I feel. Sometimes outlasting the emotional "fits" we are prone to is unbelievably challenging...I'm learning though..."Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Sometimes we have to wait, but even in the uncertainty...in the waiting...I can be strong (in Him) and take heart (because of who He is)..that's a promise.

        In no manner have I mastered this lesson. But I thankful God teaches me what I need to learn when I need it and not just what I want. Thankful for friends that challenge me to step out and dare to believe that God has amazing plans. There is a new security and confidence God is establishing in me and that is something that has been a fight for so long.


        I am finished with my Junior year at UT...this time next year I'll be completing a semester long internship with a Social Service agency and graduating with my BSW....and then gearing up for grad school! Crazy...who would have thought...just a few years ago I wasn't even considering school..I never would have thought. He has so much ahead. If He has this much for me, He has so much for everyone. I want to share that with others..I want to invest into others and be available. In less than 3 weeks I will be back in Wrangell, AK. It's amazing the opportunity God has given me there and the provision every year to return. I love it there and in so many ways it feel like home. I'm hoping to gain more experience at Crossings this summer and getting to be apart of everything at Harbor Light. Excited to see everyone there, so many in this community have become like family. Praying with expectation to see what God will continue to do in the lives of the youth and families of Wrangell and all of SE Alaska for that matter! As I think to my future...I'm waiting for the Lord...being strong, taking heart...praying...and waiting. And in the midst of everything (the joy & challenges) I am confident I will see God's goodness (Ps 27:13!!)