Things unaware

So with my room mate gone for the weekend, I've had alot of time to myself in the apartment. After having coffee this morning with the Ortiz's and the Kendigs I had a lot on my mind. I'm so grateful for these friends, hearing there heart and burden for ministry is so challenging and encouraging to me. It's hard at times because I'm not in the season they are where I'm released to invest myself in ministry as I'd like..it for sure is a time of preparation and so it can be hard because my heart and burden is to invest my life fully in ministry, to serve and be apart of these things. Anyways I'm excited for what God has done and continues to do in my friends and the work He is accomplishing through them. I left and realized how unfocused I've felt, I'm focused in terms of schooling and that type thing but what about my dream...what about a vision...my relationship with God seems steady, but somehow lacking. So coming home I decided to take advantage of a quiet afternoon with no school assignments looming overhead to take a good chunk of time and just allow God to work on me..it was refreshing. To take a good look at fruit in my life and pray through things I've let go unaddressed. To examine situations in recent days that have caused frustration, pain, etc and just really look at some of the reason behind the reaction.

It is of no surprise to anyone or myself that I do not handle change well. Regardless of how I feel about it all change will happen and will continue to do so...with that there is a choice in how I will respond to changes. To these seasons. I love it when the seasons are those where I see growth and fruit...not so much when the changing season is ushering in a winter type time where now things that were once there are now coming to an end in preparation for something new. Anytime things change in this way there is a resistance to want to hold onto what I have...I can't though..I dont want to so cling to what I once had tht I'm not positioned or prepared for what new fruit God desires to bring. I have a hard time letting go...it doesnt always mean I must let go forever (sometimes it does), but it does mean I must choose to trust God with what I hold dear and trust He will bring back that which is meant to and remove other things to make way for something new. God I want to be faithful. My friends in whoI see God pour out fresh vision have paid a price to be positioned in that way. I had to begin that process of again in this season let God have things, to let Him point out things in me I need to let Him restore/remove.

Another thing I realized in all of this is I've been really good about avoiding particular things that I do not want in my life but there are things unaware  I've let in....I haven't done as good of a job in positioning myself to be filled up with the right things and so unconsciously old thought patterns, beliefs, etc remain intact...so I may not allow "new" things in, but I certainly have not alowed God to honestly deal with things there or be intentional about replacing the old with the new.

At times it has been a lonely season, but God is calling me to a new place. I'm so thankful for the gifts and dreams He has placed in my life and I want to be obedient in everything so that I may walk in boldness and authority in everything He calls me to. Today reminded me I have to fight for these things, its a choice and it sure can be a battle and I'm though I'm content in the season I'm not satisfied and am excited to allow God to continue to grow me in this time of change.  

Resolve...

I'm tired of the up and down...of my heart and mind not lining up. Tired of feeling alone, questioning things I shouldn't. Things are changing, that is a fact, but that doesn't mean it has to be a season of defeat. Had a really rough moment last weekend. Its crazy how you can be surounded by people and still the enemy can isolate and make you believe you are alone. Most of the XA group was over and we enjoyed our time together...when I finally went to sleep I laid in bed and my mind was at war, thoughts of all kinds (even though they weren't true and I knew that I again felt it.) I cried for quite sometime, thinking of everything, something I wish I had done different, not understanding changes...I felt alone and like a failure. I tried to come against it in prayer, but felt overwhelmed. After 45 minutes of this I sent Jenifer a text just asking her to pray because there was major warfare happening...she called me moments later. That in itself is hard for me because when I vocalize it there is a fear that I'm being a burden, I feel like I should be able to do it on my own...I just dont want this to be a struggle for forever. Jen said I did the right thing in telling her because we aren't meant to battle alone..I know she is right but it is still hard having someone else standing with me...I want to be strong....its a process...but I'm glad I did, I just talked with her for a few minutes, but it was good. When I told her I felt alone and like a failure she promptly listed a number of people who loved me and a listed reasons why I'm not a failure. She prayed over me before letting me go...there was peace there after that and able to finally sleep.

   Anyways...like I said the facts are, things are changing, they've changed and will continue to do so and even though it hurts seeing things that used to be no longer there or relationships shift it does not mean that it has to be a negative thing. It doesn't have to bring confusion or defeat...God doesnt want it to, but I've let it. I want to resolve in this time to focus so much more on God. My relationship mean SO much to me, but I can't let that which is changing to bring defeat in my life. God has shown Himself to be worthy of all my trust, so when I don't undrestand I want to trust.  I don't want to be defined in cycles...I want fresh vision and walk forward....

And the changes keep coming...

     Not that anything really stays the same for any length of time, but right now there is so much transforming and changing. On the other side of it I know I will be thankful for it all as I see how God is shaping me...but right now it is hard. The continued investment in school is going well, I'm looking forward to just a few semesters down the road when it is done and I feel like I can move forward. It's a season preparation I understand but my heart is ready for something else.

     It seems to me there is little in the way of fruit in my life right now...everything is seemingly returning void...I want to be obedient an used on my campus but really it seems I'm just going about my daily routine and that is the last thing I want.

    My family is going though a very diffcult time, it seems more so than the "typical" drama...we won't be getting together I imagine for the holidays and even though it is usually crazy around the holidays with them it still will be strange not having everyone together. So much happening in their worlds and there is little I have to offer or say, I've become numb to it and I hate that.

    I have amazing people in my life and evenin all of these relationships things are changing...so many of them going through so much and there is a seperation between us. Things just aren't how they used to be...how can I have so many people in my life and feel so isolated...how can I be so excited and so frustrated all at once. One thing I know is that in this time God wants me to draw closer with Him and that is my desire...but my heart still breaks for the other relationships...and others n my life who ou relationship has not "changed" they are seperated by distance or just life...I just miss somethings nd definitely some people. I love my church but relationship even there is limited and maybe its my own fault. Im not sure and I'm ok it just seems to be changing all around me, tension, struggle...I don't know always how to respond...

   It's just different and though it brings growth I stll feel pain and isolation. But in it all I want to learn and be who God is asking me to be...and the changes keep coming.