Things unaware

So with my room mate gone for the weekend, I've had alot of time to myself in the apartment. After having coffee this morning with the Ortiz's and the Kendigs I had a lot on my mind. I'm so grateful for these friends, hearing there heart and burden for ministry is so challenging and encouraging to me. It's hard at times because I'm not in the season they are where I'm released to invest myself in ministry as I'd like..it for sure is a time of preparation and so it can be hard because my heart and burden is to invest my life fully in ministry, to serve and be apart of these things. Anyways I'm excited for what God has done and continues to do in my friends and the work He is accomplishing through them. I left and realized how unfocused I've felt, I'm focused in terms of schooling and that type thing but what about my dream...what about a vision...my relationship with God seems steady, but somehow lacking. So coming home I decided to take advantage of a quiet afternoon with no school assignments looming overhead to take a good chunk of time and just allow God to work on me..it was refreshing. To take a good look at fruit in my life and pray through things I've let go unaddressed. To examine situations in recent days that have caused frustration, pain, etc and just really look at some of the reason behind the reaction.

It is of no surprise to anyone or myself that I do not handle change well. Regardless of how I feel about it all change will happen and will continue to do so...with that there is a choice in how I will respond to changes. To these seasons. I love it when the seasons are those where I see growth and fruit...not so much when the changing season is ushering in a winter type time where now things that were once there are now coming to an end in preparation for something new. Anytime things change in this way there is a resistance to want to hold onto what I have...I can't though..I dont want to so cling to what I once had tht I'm not positioned or prepared for what new fruit God desires to bring. I have a hard time letting go...it doesnt always mean I must let go forever (sometimes it does), but it does mean I must choose to trust God with what I hold dear and trust He will bring back that which is meant to and remove other things to make way for something new. God I want to be faithful. My friends in whoI see God pour out fresh vision have paid a price to be positioned in that way. I had to begin that process of again in this season let God have things, to let Him point out things in me I need to let Him restore/remove.

Another thing I realized in all of this is I've been really good about avoiding particular things that I do not want in my life but there are things unaware  I've let in....I haven't done as good of a job in positioning myself to be filled up with the right things and so unconsciously old thought patterns, beliefs, etc remain intact...so I may not allow "new" things in, but I certainly have not alowed God to honestly deal with things there or be intentional about replacing the old with the new.

At times it has been a lonely season, but God is calling me to a new place. I'm so thankful for the gifts and dreams He has placed in my life and I want to be obedient in everything so that I may walk in boldness and authority in everything He calls me to. Today reminded me I have to fight for these things, its a choice and it sure can be a battle and I'm though I'm content in the season I'm not satisfied and am excited to allow God to continue to grow me in this time of change.