Resolve...

I'm tired of the up and down...of my heart and mind not lining up. Tired of feeling alone, questioning things I shouldn't. Things are changing, that is a fact, but that doesn't mean it has to be a season of defeat. Had a really rough moment last weekend. Its crazy how you can be surounded by people and still the enemy can isolate and make you believe you are alone. Most of the XA group was over and we enjoyed our time together...when I finally went to sleep I laid in bed and my mind was at war, thoughts of all kinds (even though they weren't true and I knew that I again felt it.) I cried for quite sometime, thinking of everything, something I wish I had done different, not understanding changes...I felt alone and like a failure. I tried to come against it in prayer, but felt overwhelmed. After 45 minutes of this I sent Jenifer a text just asking her to pray because there was major warfare happening...she called me moments later. That in itself is hard for me because when I vocalize it there is a fear that I'm being a burden, I feel like I should be able to do it on my own...I just dont want this to be a struggle for forever. Jen said I did the right thing in telling her because we aren't meant to battle alone..I know she is right but it is still hard having someone else standing with me...I want to be strong....its a process...but I'm glad I did, I just talked with her for a few minutes, but it was good. When I told her I felt alone and like a failure she promptly listed a number of people who loved me and a listed reasons why I'm not a failure. She prayed over me before letting me go...there was peace there after that and able to finally sleep.

   Anyways...like I said the facts are, things are changing, they've changed and will continue to do so and even though it hurts seeing things that used to be no longer there or relationships shift it does not mean that it has to be a negative thing. It doesn't have to bring confusion or defeat...God doesnt want it to, but I've let it. I want to resolve in this time to focus so much more on God. My relationship mean SO much to me, but I can't let that which is changing to bring defeat in my life. God has shown Himself to be worthy of all my trust, so when I don't undrestand I want to trust.  I don't want to be defined in cycles...I want fresh vision and walk forward....