Not that anything really stays the same for any length of time, but right now there is so much transforming and changing. On the other side of it I know I will be thankful for it all as I see how God is shaping me...but right now it is hard. The continued investment in school is going well, I'm looking forward to just a few semesters down the road when it is done and I feel like I can move forward. It's a season preparation I understand but my heart is ready for something else.
It seems to me there is little in the way of fruit in my life right now...everything is seemingly returning void...I want to be obedient an used on my campus but really it seems I'm just going about my daily routine and that is the last thing I want.
My family is going though a very diffcult time, it seems more so than the "typical" drama...we won't be getting together I imagine for the holidays and even though it is usually crazy around the holidays with them it still will be strange not having everyone together. So much happening in their worlds and there is little I have to offer or say, I've become numb to it and I hate that.
I have amazing people in my life and evenin all of these relationships things are changing...so many of them going through so much and there is a seperation between us. Things just aren't how they used to be...how can I have so many people in my life and feel so isolated...how can I be so excited and so frustrated all at once. One thing I know is that in this time God wants me to draw closer with Him and that is my desire...but my heart still breaks for the other relationships...and others n my life who ou relationship has not "changed" they are seperated by distance or just life...I just miss somethings nd definitely some people. I love my church but relationship even there is limited and maybe its my own fault. Im not sure and I'm ok it just seems to be changing all around me, tension, struggle...I don't know always how to respond...
It's just different and though it brings growth I stll feel pain and isolation. But in it all I want to learn and be who God is asking me to be...and the changes keep coming.
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Isolation. Frustration. Complacency but not. Addygator, I understand. I'm there. I haven't even bothered to make new friends this semester and I haven't been persistent in continuing old friendships. It's tragic and at the same time, I'm enjoying the more relaxed schedule I have now. It's so frustrating though as it definitely changes relationships and not always for the better. I'm applying for something that might have a retreat on the 4th, if I don't get it, then I'm hoping to be there. Maybe we can chat this topic up? (That's an awkwardly stated sentence. I love it.) :)
It's good to know you uderstand...I'm alright, its just weird...just pushing forward best I know how...praying for you in everything Karlen!! I love you and would very much LOVE for you to make a trip back here ASAP!!
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